The very thought of you makes my heart sing,
Like an April breeze on the wings of spring,
And you appear in all your splendor,
My one and only love.
I've always worried about when things will end. May times have I said this might be it coz I think that we're at the verge of it all. But you see, among all these, it is now that everything aren't just on the verge. This is the time when ALL of us are hanging by a thread. This is the time when the only thing that keeps us together is what was taken away.
It'ls like the prediction of an apocalypse. more like its beginning. What I would give to deny everything that's been happening. To go against the changes. But I couldn't , I can't. How can I if a part of me is saying that it might be the answer to my prayers, that it might be the will of God? .. that it might be the car break God is hitting to tell me to get out of here? I'm not even sure if I want to know what's going on in his mind, what his heart desires. You know, the problem with me is that I seem to have this knack on knowing what will happen next. It might be the result of my over analytical brain, a gift, or a curse. This is crazy. Too much for me to handle, on my own. I'll probably sulk for a veryyyyyyyyyy long time. While he'll probably not sulk at all. This sucks! and those EY freaks suck much more!!!!SO MUCH MORE! yeah, I'll at least allow myself to say the truth on how in feel about things, here, in this blog. Let's call this my sanctuary. This afternoon I had to run to Him, to our Lord's place at Greenbelt chapel. I couldn't stand the pain on my own. I really did cry you know. It was like it was just me and God. The pain is searing, it peels and skins me alive. I know he has a gist on how much it is affecting me. Later on, he won't care anymore. It's always been a pattern, this can't be any different --sadly.
I don't know how I'll be able to cope up, how I'll be able to handle this. I may have choices on what to do, but one thing I won't have a choice about is how much all this tears me apart, whatever choice I make....
Comment on your performance and development during the first six months of this performance year. Comment on progress toward your goals, development plan or any other topics that you would like your counselor to be aware of.
Only one word comes to mind: BITTER. True, bitter. I think I went through one of the biggest depression in the history of my life. I don't have motivation to push on any further. And I thought politics doesn't exist here, only to prove my own belief wrong, it happened exactly to me. So in anything they say about any improvement on my career or any plans on improvement on my career, the only things that are running in my head involve: walk your talk, just stop saying those things coz i don't want to be disappointed (though disappointed is an understatement), don't say fair coz your concept of fairness seems to be different from mine -- yours would mean fair on just one side, when there are times you seem to be nicer than usual (at least i think you're being one at times) i can't help but think that maybe you're just preparing to give me another "slap on the face" wake up call. Just like the way it seemed before I found out about your "fair" decision. So, encourage me to work? now that I think about it, it won't seem to come from you any more -- my encouragement that is. any nice things you do that are related to work such as compliments equates to "you're just saying that to prove me wrong when i said you weren't proud of me and seem to always favor him". There's no need to do that coz I know you don't mean a word you say. I just write these down without you knowing/ I just keep these reactions coz you'll just equate them to attitude problem --- and I thought you're proud of yourself thinking that you know what's happening and that you're always right. I won't contest that because it'll be a waste of time. Talk about double standards! So work wise... I'm not as confident on you as before when it comes to my welfare. As my friend (my, coz I know you don't see me as one, ok a little tug in me says that what i just said not all true, coz sometimes maybe you do) I'm still thankful to have met you. I still like you to be around, I guess I always will... :)
It never became easy again since the day I found out about his promotion. I honestly do not know if I've already healed. Maybe not yet since at the back of my mind I know it's still there haunting me. Sometimes, I find myself still pondering about it. I guess my pride took a big unfamiliar blow from everything that transpired in those hell weeks. My insecurities resurfaced, it seemed like all that I've done up until that moment to build my confidence crashed right before my eyes. Since then I started to notice more and became more sensitive to not just his advancements, other people's advancements, making me feel I'm being left behind. From time to time I try to rebuild my resolve. It does come up, the problem lies on sustaining it. I found a new resolve yesterday, I know it's probably just superficial, but it is a resolve I can hold on to for a while just to keep going. However, I don't know why it had to come crashing down -again, by her words.
I got home from a dinner with my friends since one of them will be leaving for abroad. When I told this to my mom she didn't hide her envy, asked where my friend is working, asked why I don't have the same opportunity, asked what am I doing in my job anyway, asked what my course is and commented that I can go to other countries and pursue it there. Told me she has high expectations for me and my brother to be able to get a promising job. Told me I didn't try hard enough, why didn't I study other things to get me farther from where I am today. Told me that I didn't try hard enough. It didn't help that our discussion inside the car with my friends before I was dropped off was about my work, if I have plans of leaving or if there's anything I'm waiting for that would probably be the reason for me to be "overstaying".
In the past, my reason was, well... I'm happy, with my work, the people in my workplace. But you see, after being disliked by your very own supervisor, after taking that mental and emotional blow last anniv. promotion (btw, that too happened after I found the resolve and had a discussion that we have to work together for a good improvement of my career despite and inspite of my own hesitations and other things in my mind, after I thought he's finally taking my career growth seriously, well that was the deposit part and eventually he withdrew much more than that deposit and my very own reserves.), now I can't say straight out if I'm still happy here or not..
Yes, gray... I chose this coz it describes how I feel inside right now... it's like "the feel" of "it's about to rain"
I may have forgiven... or maybe even not. But I definitely have not forgotten.
I want to.. but you see, I learned a new lesson that is part of reality. It's actually a revised cliche, but it makes a lot of sense right now. It says: "Time heals all wounds, but amnesia is the only thing that can make you forget."
Just a while ago, we had visitors from global. I noticed only one thing when everyone has done their introduction, and this didn't pass the ears of our visitor as well. It is that all those who have stayed long in the firm who are present in that meeting had mentioned of a "leveling up" of functionalities, all except me. I wanna beat the crap out of the guy who interrupted her supposedly comment on what I said. Until now, I still wanna beat the S*** out of that guy! She already started her statement when he interrupted though, and she said: "in the same function?". She was referring to how long I have been doing my work. And for my own side comment inside me, it says: yeah. no growth huh?!"
I hate it you know, and to be honest, I still hate him for it. (not that it matters to him) His level of interest in my growth is far lesser than that of his protege anyway. (Yeah! I'm bitter! So they can be unfair to me but I can't be bitter?!). I understand, and I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to any reason this circumstance has to offer. I hate to admit it but, though I want to trust him, my "freudian slips" shows I no longer do when it comes to my career. Personally I still do, but professionally, my trust to him was the cost he very willing cost paid for his decision to "try and risk" what he did to him. He's not a tid bit sorry for what he f****** did!
The only thing the whole ordeal has been doing to me is to demoralize me, and destroy any goodness I'm trying to keep up with.
I hate you, you know? And I hate you far even more for making me hate you this way, coz even though I do, I still value you so much. Even if I'm the only one who would feel I lost something if I lose you coz I continue ranting about this to you (that's why I don't), it isn't enough.
Maybe, I might as well... leave... =,,,(
inspired by: today's Gospel: Mark 8:14-21 http://www.rc.net/wcc/readings/mark8v14.htm
"Lord, you alone can sustain me with your life-giving Word and Spirit. Give me joy and strength to serve you always and help me to turn away from the leaven of sin and worldliness which brings corruption and death."
Lord, I've always been a worry-worth. I always need to get reminded of how powerful, merciful, and faithful you are as our God, my God. In short, I need to be always reminded of your infinite and unconditional love for us. I've been going through a lot especially since last year. When everythings seems to start to crumble. From the time we started having serious financial problems (serious is subjective), next was when my brother was hospitalized (that hurted so much, to see one of the most important people to me in such a condition), after which, getting deeply hurt and felt abandoned (not being there when I needed a friend most) by a friend I really cared for (he doesn't seem to believe it, or I/it don't/doesn't matter to him), and work related frustrations (okay I admit it's about getting noticed from all the hardwork which i need to push on), until today, when I still have a lot of things to worry about plus the hangovers of the things I mentioned. Forgive me for having such little faith even after you've helped me carry my cross through these hardest times. Just like the apostles who worried so much even it was after you have made the miracle on the loaves and fed thousands. I have been too preoccupied by the hurtful things I'm going through, my sinfulness & worldly things that do nothing but kill me each day. I'm just thankful that you're my God, our God, one who looks into the hearts of your people. Just like when you asked Saint Peter "Do you really love me?" and knew he really does when he answered "Lord, you know that I love you" even after he has denied you. Please do continue to hold my hand and as I have always prayed for, "don't let me go, ever." You know deep in my heart my Lord, that you are the reason why I continue to hold on.
it took a while before i get to write things down about you again. they say i have to let things out. all i've been doing is holding back, setting thoughts of you aside. I don't want to remember you but i do miss you. I miss the good things about you. Admittedly, you hunt my thoughts. Maybe the DJ's right about what i heard last night on a radioshow, I can't accept that a person i value would hurt me like that or like this. I decided to write this down just to try if I can and if it's possible that this would help heal me even for a little bit. I did test you you know. How far you would go, for me, even as a friend. But you left me behind. It hurts so much i feel my eyes sting right now. I wish i could just forget everything. Treat you as someone who just happen to be in my dreams. That none of those things ever happened. I wanted to keep the good and wonderful memories I have with you, but I'm afraid those too have to go. Otherwise, I won't be able to move on. I know I've been keeping things and right now I'm just typing my jumbled thoughts. I'm thankful that my ahia is here. He may not mean to, I really don't know but what's important is he's one of the major people who keeps me going, one of those who keep me sane. You said you were sorry, but you know what, I can't feel it. Precisely because you continued to make me feel having no value to you even after saying that. You wanted me to get away from you..told me to ignore you, get away from you. In short, I know you wanted to get rid of me. Eventhough you told me that you were telling those things because you don't want to hurt me again. I'm not exactly the most idiotic person to not realize what you were trying to do. I'm no longer oblivious to what you have in mind--what you think behind your nice words, what you mean between the lines. Right now, I'm still in the middle of hating you and the truth that you still mean something to me. I'm still struggling, and I need my friends to keep me away from you. I'll do what I can, that much I feel I owe them and that much I owe to myself. It hurts most when you made me feel disrespected as a girl, as a friend even. (well the friendship was a lie I know--that's as far as you're concerned.) It hurts to be betrayed and it hurts more so because it was you who did it. I have to go for now, at least I tried to let a little of this out. I'll move on. You'll see.
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